New Realities

It has been a very long time since I have written anything. Of course I post the occasional quick note on Facebook, or a little blurb on Twitter, but beyond that...I have kept my own counsel.  There was no design to this absence-no ploy or plot or scheme-it just happened because so much life happened.  And life keeps happening, coming in waves and waves.

Keeping my own counsel was never a plan.  Sometimes as my daughter says, "There are just no words."  It made more sense to pray and listen than it did to share or write.  So often, I just sit quietly and think and pray. Those old familiar Bible passages, noted and highlighted and memorized in childhood have an even deeper and richer meaning now.  And I am lifted and sustained by the writings of other fellow travelers, faithful folk who seek God in written words that challenge and inspire me.

Because of God's infinite Grace, I am not alone inside my head, in fact I am never alone.  My soul, my spirit, the essence of who I am walks each day, hand in hand with the Creator of the universe.  That doesn't happen because I am in any way special, or gifted, or exempt from pain.  I am just humbly blessed, through no effort or merit of my own.

I do not claim to be holy, pure, or saintly.  I am just as broken and in need of Grace as any person on the face of this planet. I struggle with the same doubts and fears and messed up plans and crashed dreams as everyone else does.  I am fully human, and in no way divine.

The greatest joys in my life have been, as always, centered around those I love-my family.  My husband is a rock of strength and devotion-never shaking, never wavering, eternally faithful and solid.  My grown children have proven that I did not completely fail as a mother, and that sometimes God will bless us by letting us experience our children as fully functional, God loving adults-in spite of our shortcomings as parents.  My grandchildren are God's undeserved gift for surviving parenthood somewhat "intact."  God is so good.

As in every life, there have been blessings and there have been worries, and sickness, and loss. There are so many "unfixables" that are difficult to let go of into God's hands.  These very new "realities" challenge me, and drive me to my knees.  I ask God every day for strength and wisdom.

These days I live and breathe prayer.  It is my new reality.

Some days, I think I should just let myself go ahead and cry.

I had a flash of insight today. Since I am quickly approaching sixty-ugh-those welcome flashes just don't come as often as I would like. My brain is so addled by the "must dos" that insight flies past me and never lands most days.

The truth is that I miss "normal." I long for "regular" and "boring." "Ho-hum" sounds wonderful, and "stuck in neutral" sounds like a long lost dream. No life is free from trials and challenges, but I feel overwhelmed most days, and I long for those past days when silly staff upsets at preschool seemed like a huge deal, and I lost sleep over enrollment numbers and making payroll.


It feels like dear husband and I have been struggling for such a long time. Our families have experienced death, divorce, illness, moving, a near fatal automobile accident, ...even addiction. There were days when it was honestly difficult to know who to be aiming our thoughts and prayers and energy toward-the prayers to God and God only, but beyond that there were just too many wheels that needed oiling. We made a conscious choice to keep our efforts as close to home as possible. Our parents have many children, but our child has only one set of parents.

The only insight I have is this one. It doesn't mater that I do not know what the new "normal" looks like. I know that God is already there ahead of us, and His plan for our lives is worth whatever pain and struggle we must face. God is the same..yesterday, today, and forever. That is enough...praise God, it is enough.

It has been over a year since I wrote my scribbled thoughts here, shared my heart-wrenching prayers, dreamed and hoped and worried here.

Life has moved in strange ways, with pain and joy wrapped round each other, with only the unfailing grace of Jesus Christ to make any of it bearable. Life leaves us scarred and broken, marriages end, earthly lives are burdened by aging and frailty, and yet His love is unfailing.

I am grateful for His mercy and grace, and only pray for strength to love those He has given me in ways that will keep them safe, strengthen their walk, and bring glory to His name.

In His pressence I am humbled and grateful. I want so much for those I love, and I take comfort in knowing that He loves them even more.

Our family has suffered a loss. That is such a telling phrase- we have suffered-and we have lost someone near and dear to us. My sister Cheri's husband, Dave, has lost his battle to live longer here on earth with his family, due to a rare and unnamed form of malignant bone marrow cancer. He was fifty-eight years old, far too young.

I live my life in confidence of Dave's eternal home, but we are sad and feeling his absence in the lives of his wife and grown children. Father send your mercies, please comfort us and hold us up as we walk through these difficult days.

Many of the spiritual women's blogs I read are working on recognizing and expressing soul-felt gratitude for the gifts from God we experience each and every day in our lives. I will begin my list of "1000" today with these:

1) I am grateful for a God who loves me and knows me and sent His Son to die for my sins,

2) for grace so amazing, so freely given,

3) for mercy that rains down from heaven,

4) for guidance from His Holy Word written in the language I speak and understand,

5) for the love of a gentle, God-seeking man,

6) for birthed children and heart-birthed children who have grown to be God's servants in His world,

7) for grandchildren who enjoy being with me and light my life with joy,

8) for a home and nest to feather and care for with joy and fulfillment,

9) for health and life and breath,

10) for work to do that brings glory to my Father in Heaven.

Each Monday I will continue to list ten things for which I am grateful to God.

It is difficult to sit and wait. I have never been good at waiting, which is unusual, because in most things I am patient, but not with waiting.
We sit now each day and wait. We wait for doctors to name the villain in the plot to steal Dave's life. It has no name yet, but still the battle rages, and he grows weaker and more things go wrong. We wait for tests, and test results. We wait for treatments and therapies, and needles, and bags of IV fluids, and nurses and techs, and therapists, and still no name to the monster that consumes and kills in inches and moments and pain. We wait to know where he will move this time (move number five) and they don't tell us and move him when we are at dinner, and then we wait while he finally breaks and rages at his thirst and pain and wants to leave but cannot walk or breath, or live without the tubes and the needles and the doctors and techs, and the waiting and the waiting and the waiting.