It has been a very long time since I have written anything. Of course I post the occasional quick note on Facebook, or a little blurb on Twitter, but beyond that...I have kept my own counsel. There was no design to this absence-no ploy or plot or scheme-it just happened because so much life happened. And life keeps happening, coming in waves and waves.
Keeping my own counsel was never a plan. Sometimes as my daughter says, "There are just no words." It made more sense to pray and listen than it did to share or write. So often, I just sit quietly and think and pray. Those old familiar Bible passages, noted and highlighted and memorized in childhood have an even deeper and richer meaning now. And I am lifted and sustained by the writings of other fellow travelers, faithful folk who seek God in written words that challenge and inspire me.
Because of God's infinite Grace, I am not alone inside my head, in fact I am never alone. My soul, my spirit, the essence of who I am walks each day, hand in hand with the Creator of the universe. That doesn't happen because I am in any way special, or gifted, or exempt from pain. I am just humbly blessed, through no effort or merit of my own.
I do not claim to be holy, pure, or saintly. I am just as broken and in need of Grace as any person on the face of this planet. I struggle with the same doubts and fears and messed up plans and crashed dreams as everyone else does. I am fully human, and in no way divine.
The greatest joys in my life have been, as always, centered around those I love-my family. My husband is a rock of strength and devotion-never shaking, never wavering, eternally faithful and solid. My grown children have proven that I did not completely fail as a mother, and that sometimes God will bless us by letting us experience our children as fully functional, God loving adults-in spite of our shortcomings as parents. My grandchildren are God's undeserved gift for surviving parenthood somewhat "intact." God is so good.
As in every life, there have been blessings and there have been worries, and sickness, and loss. There are so many "unfixables" that are difficult to let go of into God's hands. These very new "realities" challenge me, and drive me to my knees. I ask God every day for strength and wisdom.
These days I live and breathe prayer. It is my new reality.
