New Realities

It has been a very long time since I have written anything. Of course I post the occasional quick note on Facebook, or a little blurb on Twitter, but beyond that...I have kept my own counsel.  There was no design to this absence-no ploy or plot or scheme-it just happened because so much life happened.  And life keeps happening, coming in waves and waves.

Keeping my own counsel was never a plan.  Sometimes as my daughter says, "There are just no words."  It made more sense to pray and listen than it did to share or write.  So often, I just sit quietly and think and pray. Those old familiar Bible passages, noted and highlighted and memorized in childhood have an even deeper and richer meaning now.  And I am lifted and sustained by the writings of other fellow travelers, faithful folk who seek God in written words that challenge and inspire me.

Because of God's infinite Grace, I am not alone inside my head, in fact I am never alone.  My soul, my spirit, the essence of who I am walks each day, hand in hand with the Creator of the universe.  That doesn't happen because I am in any way special, or gifted, or exempt from pain.  I am just humbly blessed, through no effort or merit of my own.

I do not claim to be holy, pure, or saintly.  I am just as broken and in need of Grace as any person on the face of this planet. I struggle with the same doubts and fears and messed up plans and crashed dreams as everyone else does.  I am fully human, and in no way divine.

The greatest joys in my life have been, as always, centered around those I love-my family.  My husband is a rock of strength and devotion-never shaking, never wavering, eternally faithful and solid.  My grown children have proven that I did not completely fail as a mother, and that sometimes God will bless us by letting us experience our children as fully functional, God loving adults-in spite of our shortcomings as parents.  My grandchildren are God's undeserved gift for surviving parenthood somewhat "intact."  God is so good.

As in every life, there have been blessings and there have been worries, and sickness, and loss. There are so many "unfixables" that are difficult to let go of into God's hands.  These very new "realities" challenge me, and drive me to my knees.  I ask God every day for strength and wisdom.

These days I live and breathe prayer.  It is my new reality.

I had a flash of insight today. Since I am quickly approaching sixty-ugh-those welcome flashes just don't come as often as I would like. My brain is so addled by the "must dos" that insight flies past me and never lands most days.

The truth is that I miss "normal." I long for "regular" and "boring." "Ho-hum" sounds wonderful, and "stuck in neutral" sounds like a long lost dream. No life is free from trials and challenges, but I feel overwhelmed most days, and I long for those past days when silly staff upsets at preschool seemed like a huge deal, and I lost sleep over enrollment numbers and making payroll.


It feels like dear husband and I have been struggling for such a long time. Our families have experienced death, divorce, illness, moving, a near fatal automobile accident, ...even addiction. There were days when it was honestly difficult to know who to be aiming our thoughts and prayers and energy toward-the prayers to God and God only, but beyond that there were just too many wheels that needed oiling. We made a conscious choice to keep our efforts as close to home as possible. Our parents have many children, but our child has only one set of parents.

The only insight I have is this one. It doesn't mater that I do not know what the new "normal" looks like. I know that God is already there ahead of us, and His plan for our lives is worth whatever pain and struggle we must face. God is the same..yesterday, today, and forever. That is enough...praise God, it is enough.

It has been over a year since I wrote my scribbled thoughts here, shared my heart-wrenching prayers, dreamed and hoped and worried here.

Life has moved in strange ways, with pain and joy wrapped round each other, with only the unfailing grace of Jesus Christ to make any of it bearable. Life leaves us scarred and broken, marriages end, earthly lives are burdened by aging and frailty, and yet His love is unfailing.

I am grateful for His mercy and grace, and only pray for strength to love those He has given me in ways that will keep them safe, strengthen their walk, and bring glory to His name.

In His pressence I am humbled and grateful. I want so much for those I love, and I take comfort in knowing that He loves them even more.

Our family has suffered a loss. That is such a telling phrase- we have suffered-and we have lost someone near and dear to us. My sister Cheri's husband, Dave, has lost his battle to live longer here on earth with his family, due to a rare and unnamed form of malignant bone marrow cancer. He was fifty-eight years old, far too young.

I live my life in confidence of Dave's eternal home, but we are sad and feeling his absence in the lives of his wife and grown children. Father send your mercies, please comfort us and hold us up as we walk through these difficult days.

Lord, I am so tired, but my tiredness cannot compare to that of my sister and her family. Please hold us up God as we walk through this valley together. Give us peace and joy and fill us with your spirit and life-giving grace and mercy. Watch over Dave as he rests and help the doctors find answers. Hold him safe in your hands as he sleeps this night in the ICU. Hold up all of us who love him. We pray with praise for your Holy Name. Amen.

In I Kings 3, Solomon asks for wisdom from God. My Bible calls it "a discerning heart to govern your people and to distinguish between right and wrong." Now really, how could we ever ask for more? Discernment is not much celebrated or valued in our society. We have responded to our more base instincts and tend to follow the "eye for an eye" mantra.

Part of my devotional life includes reading on line journals of other Christian women, and I just ran across one who asked me to pray for an angry, inconsiderate couple who is ticked that her group of persons (who are 70+ years old) are using the heated pool, and therefore feel justified in making scenes and pushing the group into an ever smaller space in a pool the seniors have been using for over eight years for water exercises. This young couple could use an unheated pool, but many of the aging members of the group they object to cannot. There have been angry shouting scenes with the pool manager and an effort to crash into them by the young couple swimming laps.

Where does all this anger and sense of "entitlement" come from?

The blogger's response was to ask us to pray for the angry young couple. Ah...wisdom.

I ask for wisdom, dear Lord, and a heart that seeks your will in all areas of my life.

The very best thing about a medical test is when it is over and everything is found to be okay, and the doc says not to come back for additional testing for ten years. Praise Him for all blessings large and small.

2 Samuel 23: 20 "Benaiah...went down into a pit on a snowy day and killed a lion." Wow.

Now I think I am going to try and find every reference to lions that I can in the scripture.

For surely I know the plans I have for you, says the LORD, plans for your welfare and not for harm, to give you a future with hope. Then when you call upon me and come and pray to me, I will hear you. When you search for me, you will find me; if you seek me with all your heart, I will let you find me.
-Jeremiah 29:11-13 (NRSV)

"Who am I, that the Lord of all the earth would care to know my name, would care to heal my hurt?"

Despite a lifetime of belief and faith in God, at times my spirit is troubled.

I fall back on verses long ago memorized-

in times more simple with the unblemished faith of a child.

"The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want,

He maketh me to lie down in green pastures

He leadth me beside the still waters.

He restoreth my soul

He leadeth me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,

I will fear no evil; for thou art with me

Thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.

Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of my enemies,

Thou anointest my head with oil,

My cup runneth over.

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life,

And I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever." Psalm 23

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. Philippians 4:6 (NIV)

Thirty-eight years ago I was ten days shy of being twenty years old. It was a cold March, and it was the brief time span between winter and spring quarters at Ohio State. I had had a pretty lousy winter quarter, actually the worst of my entire college career (which is quite long and a story for another day.) It is difficult, nearly impossible to concentrate on college classes when you are planning a wedding.

Ours was such a simple and uncomplicated affair compared to many weddings, but it still had its share of crises and deadlines and worries. One sister lived too far away to come, but all the rest were bridesmaids, dressed in pink, my favorite color at the time. My mother sewed my dress, the bridesmaid's dresses, and even the little white jacket that my three year old brother wore as the "ring master." My preacher father married us, and nearly collapsed from running back and forth before the ceremony. Neither of us can remember much about the wedding, just his little sister sobbing audibly as we took our vows, and doing the totally gauche thing of opening our gifts at the reception where only red punch, wedding cake, nuts and mints were served. My dear husband arrived at the wedding with the grand total of $6.00 in his pocket. Blessedly folks were generous, and we, as we always have, had enough to get by.

I hardly recognize the young girl in the photos. The thin handsome gentleman seems so much more familiar...he still looks the same to me. We were so young, and many would say foolish and ill prepared for what lay ahead of us. It was the grace and constancy of God's love that saw us through.

How can so much time have passed? I know that I love, respect, and honor him more now. Thank you, God, for the blessing of loving a person so filled with your love...who finds joy in the simple, pure, and holy things in life. Besides, he still makes me laugh.

Thirty-eight more years? Probably not here on earth, but eternity...Yes!

One of the prevailing ideologies of our culture is the value of "being useful." We cut our teeth on those old stories about the Pilgrims and their adage of, "He who does not work does not eat." As adults we define our lives, our identities, our selves in some ways by the "usefulness" of our activities, often by the professions we choose. We are our job, we don't do our job. I think this is a big mistake. What happens when we are no longer able to "do?"



It is not necessarily just your age that defines you, as far as our culture is concerned. I was only in my very early twenties when my children were born. One of the memories I have of being a young mom at home with my little children is in trying to explain to folks who did not share the belief that my at home job was a "real" job just what it was I did. I was often made to feel a bit defensive about my choice to be at home during my little ones early years. I would give everything I own and several years of my life to have back just one day of those times with my little children. Those of you who are still "in the trenches" and raising young children may find this difficult to believe, but being a wife and mother was my real life's work...everything else I have done with my life is only a side line, and relatively unimportant.



It is not just those at home with young children, but also those who "sit on the sidelines" due to age or infirmity. They feel that the world is defining them by its standards, and not the standards of God. Our kids used to listen to a Christian artist who sang a song called, "Lifeboat." Although it was a bit satirical, it questioned our cultural obsession with just what it is that gives us "value." Do we pitch the developmentally handicapped child into the ocean to "make room" for someone of "more value?"

I know for my folks, especially my dad, it is hard to feel like your life lacks purpose...although just getting through the days when you reach the age of eighty is challenging enough! My mom, God bless her, still finds joy in taking care of my dad, and has never lost her smile, even though the past year has taken its toll on her health as well. The world would not value the "purpose" she has chosen for her life, but I think she has chosen well.



Jesus often took notice of those "along the pathway of life." He saw them, when to most they were invisible, indeed often distasteful and "unclean." He saw people in doorways, those dropped down through roofs, the outcasts that others literally avoided like the plague! He touched the untouchable, he involved himself with those that society had long ago given up on. Would that I could be like Jesus...change my heart oh God, mend my broken places so that I can see with your eyes, and love with your heart.



I often wonder in what ways we live our lives in acknowledgement of the worth of all persons, even though they may be aging, incapacitated by poor health, or too young, or poor, or...?



If we follow the example of Jesus, then we must see persons as valuable because He created them, not for what they may or may not be able to "contribute." I think it is not the fear of aged numbers that makes us try to avoid old age, I think it is the fear of the loss of respect from those around us because we have lost our "usefulness." Thoughts to ponder, and a challenge for me to change my way of thinking.

"There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle." Albert Einstein

"Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable-if anything is excellent or praiseworthy, think about such things." Philippians 4: 8

The winter landscape of ice and cold and gray skies can mirror our own thoughts and emotions. We can wallow in the cold, complain at the deep chill, bemoan the grayness and bleakness of the long winter days.

But we cannot abide there long. We are children of the Light. Inside us glows the life giving Spirit, warmer than sub-zero temperatures, brighter than dark stormy blizzard skies, and unquenchable.

Today I will let your Spirit shine through my life. I will love as You love, I will do my best to be a bringer of Light to my world.

"I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life." John 8: 12

Fill me with your Light!

If you have lived at all, you have known failure, loss, and disappointment. You have felt the sting of hopes broken, and dreams dashed upon the rocks of sin and missed opportunities.

If it were not for the grace so freely given, the mercy and salvation of our loving and forgiving God, no growth could happen. If not for Him there would be no hope, but....there is hope in Jesus Christ, and forgiveness, and mercy, and love.

Fill us up, Father God. Create new and pure hearts within us. Thanks be to God. Amen.

When I was a little girl, my great-grandmother thought I could play the piano. She loved to call out her favorite hymns and warble along while I plunked them out on the old upright dinosaur that graced the "parlor" of my grandma's house. She would sit and rock herself back and forth to the rhythm of the old familiar tunes and I would sweat bullets and bite my lip and try not to disappoint her too much. She rarely complained, and seemed to enjoy the company. Sometimes she would tell me how much better I sounded than the last time...God bless her.

Women who were born shortly after the end of the Civil war, as she was, usually had few options. Pretty much they had to marry, and she did, twice. Her first husband died while out west panning for gold. She was brokenhearted, but soon married a widower who had a parcel of children of his own. My grandmother was the oldest girl of that second marriage.


My great-grandma was a midwife, and she had played the piano and organ in several small churches, so how she ever tolerated the discordant mess that I was filling the air with, I'll never know. My father lived with her in his late teens, and he often went along on her "deliveries" to keep the men folk occupied while she and the mama to be did the real work.

The really cool thing is, I'll see her again. I just wonder if she'll be rocking and singing along to her favorite hymns. I had better start practicing.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart

and lean not on your own understanding;

in all your ways acknowledge him,

and he will make your paths straight."

Proverbs 3: 5-6

Words to live by:

"Do not repay evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. "

"If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head."

"Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good."

Roams 12:17, 18,20,21